Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
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Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.