[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
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God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.