Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
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there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
An unhealthy attraction to traffic cones develops as a result of too many microplastics in your diet and you start driving around looking for road construction just to feel the rush. Hey baby, you block lanes here often?
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.