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Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
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When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off