What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
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The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder.
Me: There’s nothing worse than having a hangnail.
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.