Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
You Might Also Like
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
This January has 47 Mondays
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.