My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
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[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
Modded the new Gran Turismo
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞