I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
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Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.