Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
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ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.