Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
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COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
Livid.
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders