When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
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If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
sleeping beauty
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.