The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
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me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
oh u like geography? name every lake
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
Finally
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
My friend is an excellent librarian.
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.