I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
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My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”