[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
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[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
Grandmother clock.
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
After 35, your body ages in dog years
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face