Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
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Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird