Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
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Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
🧵 1/246
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.