It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
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“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it