There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
You Might Also Like
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
A dad and his duck
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”