*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
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Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.