At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
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It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”