Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
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Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor