Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
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self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.