“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
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Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
Grandmother clock.
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.