me
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[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I鈥檓 being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
Doctor: Congrats! It鈥檚 a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
bout dat hot dog summer
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
I鈥檓 not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I鈥檇 warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
Swedish for common sense.
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
I told y鈥檃ll leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 馃槶
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club鈥ith your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don鈥檛 fall in love with your puppet.
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.