I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
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It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
How funny!
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
HELP 😭
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.