legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
You Might Also Like
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
What
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”