wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
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person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
Phew
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Phew ✔
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.