Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
You Might Also Like
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
Heroic Misunderstanding
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.