DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
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Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
I got bills
They’re multiplying
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
“no gods no masters” = leo
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.