Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
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Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.