It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
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If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
The absolute effort that went into this omg
🚲+physics = winner
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!