I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
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I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
apparently this year was written by stephen king
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.