The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
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Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.