Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
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No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
Living the best life.. 😊
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
He took my last fry, your honor
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.