[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
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Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
I’ve just taken a tablet that completely erases your memory of the last 24hrs.
What was I thinking?
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.