Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
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Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
me when the borders lift
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’