Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
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COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
Google assistant rules
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
This forever.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints