When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
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My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on