Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
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necessity is the mother of invention
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
#SaturdayBears
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
absolutely not
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”