The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
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Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.