In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
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There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day