I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
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INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
This sounds bad:
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
Harsh but fair
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
This week’s mood.
Siri, fight Alexa.
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.