I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
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I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.