My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
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Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean