Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
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Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
How to draw a duck
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP