A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
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Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.