‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
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“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”