Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
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It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
bury ourselves
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.