me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
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Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet