My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
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[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
There’s only one good girl here!
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.